The Realities of Sleep Deprivation

Issues with sleep never arose until my third baby

Sleep – isn’t it funny how we never fully appreciate sleep until we are not getting enough of it. That was the case for me anyway. My first 2 children were fairly easy going with sleep. They fell into routines after 4-5 months and those early months of sleep deprivation were forgotten (maybe because they were never really that bad anyway). I remember the odd night of teething, illness and just being unsettled but mostly they were pretty regular little sleepers. I felt so proud of myself for getting a good routine with them that I was not prepared for what was coming in the next 4 years.

I wanted to share this story with you in the hope of reaching another parent who may be going through the same thing and if I am honest, it feels a little cathartic to get this all out of my head. So here goes….

My final pregnancy was an eventful one that lead to prenatal anxiety and being hospitalised until my baby was born via C-Section at 37 weeks. We crashed into parenting for a third time with a bump so maybe this contributed to the issues that then arose. My baby girl was perfectly healthy despite the scare but I think I held onto a little bit of that anxiety once she arrived. I may have also been a little less willing to put her down as she was my last baby. But I am not going to feel guilty or regret about the things I could have done differently as this is neither helpful or really true. I did the best I could with the situation I was in.

For 4.5 months Harley fed almost every 2-3 hours, 24 hours a day with the exception of a handful of days and nights. I was breastfeeding and in those months no matter what we did she would not take a bottle at all. I couldn’t understand it as I had really successful breastfeeding journeys with my first 2, I was doing everything the same. I was getting just enough sleep to keep going however, I could feel myself starting to break under than pressure. I resented my husband for going to work and then for being able to spend time with the boys when I was struggling to get through the day. Doing anything with my boys felt like such an effort I resented having to do anything at all. I was emotional all of the time. I couldn’t motivate myself to do much, I barely cooked or had any sort of structure once I dropped the boys to nursery. On most days I went to my mums as soon as I could so she could give us lunch and we would end up staying for dinner because doing all of these things were too hard. If I had went home I would have made dinner for the boys and ate leftovers with crisps and chocolate for myself. I am pretty sure I was dealing with postnatal depression by this point (however, this was never diagnosed as at the time I thought it was just sleep deprivation).

This was the first time Harley took a bottle at 4 months old. She would feed every 2-3 hours 24 hours a day before this.

Then we experienced a turning point. Harley finally started taking a bottle and eating normal food. This was the light at the end of the tunnel that I needed, I now wasn’t the only person that could feed her. I managed to get more breaks from being constantly needed by her so I threw myself into spending time with the boys as they had missed out on so much. At this point I was so sure that everything was great again and I could do it all. I got back to the business I had started and I was taking on more responsibilities and putting more pressure on myself. Social Media didn’t help as I saw more mothers like me running businesses and generally looking like they were doing it all.

However, I was still getting very little sleep as Harley never slept one night in her cot and would only sleep on me so I would drift in and out of sleep all night long terrified I would hurt her by her sleeping in with me. I kept her as safe as I could but I never fully relaxed (I would never judge anyone wishing to co-sleep but for me it wasn’t what I wanted so I was very fearful the whole time). However, the dangers of no sleep outweighed the fear I had about co-sleeping so I went with co-sleeping. Then we moved Harley to a bed of her own. She never slept a full night in that either!

It has taken up until April of this year for me to finally get a regular 6-7 hour sleep a night. I have had 3.5 years of sleep deprivation, I was woken up 2 or more times a night, every night, sometimes easily getting her back to sleep and others having to sit by her bed for an hour or 2. Maybe I would have been able to get her routine sorted if I had tried different methods however, with 2 other children to get up for and a husband who worked away a lot I was just not able to find my way with this. It is what it is, again I am not going to berate myself for things that are done. That is not the purpose of this.

Once I started to get a regular night’s sleep that was not constantly disturbed, I was of the opinion that my life would turn around and all would be well. I could switch back to my active, balanced life again but I was sadly mistaken as my poor habits were ingrained and we had the small case of a pandemic to deal with.

I would like to share with you all the issues that have arisen because of sleep deprivation for me.

1.     Lack of exercise routine  - I went back to the gym but I found myself struggling to keep my eyes open for the rest of the day or do many other tasks due to being exhausted. I don’t work out as regularly as I did before. I accepted that as part of life with 3 small children for a few years but I imagined when I had lots of time at home and plenty of equipment then I would get my love of exercise back but that hasn’t happened. I have been frustrated with myself for my lack of ability and if I am completely honest a little embarrassed to go back to my gym as I feel a bit like an imposter as a personal trainer (it is funny how I would be horrified if a client felt this way, I would never cast those judgements on them and I would be kind with them but I couldn’t do this for myself). I know I need to slowly build my self back up to full workouts with weights again.

2.     Lack of healing in my Diastasis Recti – I haven’t progressed as well as I had hoped with this. A large part is most likely to do with the lack of sleep and losing some of that healing that goes on during sleep. However, another part is to do with not always being consistent with my own rehab training. This is something I have beaten myself up over. How could I possibly expect clients to be consistent if I wasn’t myself. Despite this, my clients have progressed really well and I realise now that everyone needs the right programme specific to them, including me, and what I needed was time to sort out my sleep. I need start with the basics again and progress from there.

3.     Poor Food Choices – when you are tired you are more likely to reach for the highly palatable foods as they are more attractive and more commonly easy to get your hands on with very little effort. These high sugar, highly processed foods have not done anything for my health or energy levels. I tried to do meal plans but the energy involved with choosing meals, going shopping for the ingredients and then cooking them added to an already large to do list was impossible for me. Add to that my fussy children who made it even harder to find a meal that would tick all the boxes for all of us. I just didn’t have the energy to cope with this (hence the reason why I spent a lot of time at my mums). I am slowly setting myself goals of more nutritious meals each week.

4.     My business – despite all of these struggles, I have actually created a business I am proud of and gives me so much joy. It is exactly where I need it to be with juggling my life as a mum, wife and business owner. However, I made myself miserable with insane expectations of myself and what it meant to be successful in business. Instead of intentionally creating the small part time business, I have spent the past few years feeling like less than a business woman because I wasn’t creating some empire. None of those goals were possible for me on the little amount of sleep I was getting and the knock on effect that had on my life. I wish I had been kinder to myself.

5.     Lastly, my poor relationship with sleep and bed – I have spent the last 4 years avoiding going to bed as it felt like hell, lying awake waiting for a child to come through or being woken up as I just started to fall into a deep sleep, left me miserable and I would stay up later and later each night. I fell into a hole of social media and the comparison game. I desperately needed sleep and it didn’t make sense that I would force myself to stay up when I would feel better if I just got some more sleep. However, those few hours before I went to bed were also the only precious adult time I had alone so I was not willing to give those hours up. I need to actively change my habits around bedtime to improve my overall sleep before I can really tackle all of the points above.

For 4 years I have told myself I was a terrible mother, wife, business owner and person. My mental health has taken a very big hit over these years. I found problems where there were none and I got in my own damn way every time. Sleep deprivation is hell, it isn’t something you can just get on with and pretend all is ok. You need the support of those around you and you need to be honest about the support you may need. Tell people you love that you are struggling.

I sometimes find myself wishing I had done things differently but as I said earlier it is in the past and I am not willing to waste more of my time berating myself for things I cannot change. However, living in denial of the impact that sleep deprivation has had on me was not serving me either. I am not going to be magically fixed now. It will take time to address each of the issues above, however, I believe that once I get a good bedtime routine and aim for a good restful sleep each night then everything else will become a little easier.

If you are going through sleep deprivation and you don’t feel in control of anything then I want you to know that you are not alone. There are steps that you can take to make this a little easier. Choices that you can make that may seem hard at the time but that will serve you in the long term. I am not here to tell you exactly what you should be doing but instead offer you some advice on how to improve one of the most important parts of our day. I am learning as I go through this too so I want you to know I am not a sleep expert however, there is one thing that is certain - My life is going to be better with a good nights sleep

This week we have a chat with a baby sleep consultant and I will share the tips I have learned along the way to help me improve my sleep. I look forward to sharing this with you all.